"Teen Mom 3" has come to an end!
We still have a two-part reunion special to look forward to, but Tuesday night's finale brought the season to a thrilling conclusion.
Did Maci survive the Ryanocerous attack? Is Farrah's baby part of her mom's journey of self-discovery? Is Gary's love song to Amber destined for the Billboard charts? And will Butch's mullet finally enjoy some freedom?
Happy Birthday to Me! Farrah celebrated daughter Sophia's second birthday by putting her mad culinary skillz to work with a cake that looked like it came out of a jumbo-size Easy Bake Oven. Honestly, the StrepCakes Amber frosted last week with dollar-store frosting looked tastier than that saggy confection. Seriously though, Sophia, stop making this all about you. It was a good two-year run, but it's time for mommy to "grow into (her) own person" and "become whole again" (was she ever?) in Florida. What a treat it will be for Sophia to watch this episode years from now and see her mom made the final decision to abandon her with her grandparents after weighing the pros and cons on an Etch A Sketch.
Before her voyage of self-
indulgence discovery, Farrah drove her daughter around to say goodbye to all the places that reminded her of ... Sophia's dad?! Raise your hands if you also choked on your Diet Coke during this scene. While Farrah waxed poetic about her and Derek's plans to spend their life together, our memory music video was playing the scenes where she broke up with him, accused him of "stalking" her, and changed her phone number so he couldn't contact her anymore. Anyway, happy birthday, Sophia. Maybe mommy will bake you a better cake on your fourth birthday, when she invites you back into her life again.
Guitar Hero: While Amber continued her legal battle, not to mention the battle against the caterpillar infestation on her eyelids, lovesick Gary became one with his La-Z-Boy rocker. "She completes me," he said about Amber, confusingly, because we thought that role was taken by Big Gulps and Triple Stack Baconator burgers. Romanticizing their troubled relationship ("a new me, a new her…a new beginning -- I love her and really want it to work"), Big Daddy picked up his guitar and composed a ballad to his ladylove. Add some Auto-Tune and hire Countess LuAnn and Kim Zolciak as your backup vocalists, and you've got a No. 1 hit. Just not a girlfriend. After icing him out, Amber asked baby Leah, "Do you want mommy and daddy to be nice and not fight in front of you?" Considering she is facing felony battery and neglect charges for that very thing, we hope this is a rhetorical question.
Ryanocerous Attack: On the verge of becoming "un-f---ing-glued" by his baby mama's demands, Ryan and Maci finally had a civilized discussion and agreed to get along for the sake of their son. Ryan's halo seems to have finally dimmed when it comes to his folks, too. After encouraging their unemployed, freeloading son to go back to school, Ryan asked, "Do I need another trade though?" Dad Larry responded, "It's better than sleeping." Oh snap! It's pretty telling that son Bentley refers to his home as "Mimi's house." Something tells us Bentley won't be so excited about this joint custody arrangement when (if?) Ryan moves out on his own.
Meanwhile Maci, 19 going on 35, is putting the screws on Kyle to marry her, threatening that she "can't wait that long" for a commitment. Fortunately Kyle doesn't tolerate her threats and calmly retorts, "If I'm not worth waiting for, you don't need to wait." As Maci whines, another killer Kyle quote comes to mind: "Life's tough -- get a helmet." (Ryan has plenty of fancy ones to choose from in his parents' garage.)
Three-Month Sentence: Catelynn and Tyler stretch out their segments with a manufactured storyline about adopted daughter Carly attending their high school graduation, but their dad/stepdad Butch delivers the real dramz. After the teens offer to share their double-wide with the parolee, his mullet and his dog, Butch seems to thrive in the "safe and clean environment." He even agrees to follow their ground rules, including "no drugs." Or not: Butch is sent back to prison after apparently failing a drug test -- and we don't think his hot-sauce shots were to blame for him "dropping dirty." No one needs a "life is tough" helmet more than this family.
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